Sunday, May 11, 2008

Dear fill in the blank

The People for Less Unrest in Marriage, an imaginary but incredibly well-organized think tank for which I sometimes find myself a spokesperson, would like to share the following announcement as a public service:

With the skyrocketing price of food and the growing unrest about the safety of its origins, the necessity of purchasing a chest-type freezer and stocking it with locally produced and butchered meats might seem like a very wise endeavor; a good investment, even.

It's an endeavor made infinitely more satisfying if you find yourself helping a struggling farmer in the process.

And we at PLUM like farmers not to struggle.

Yes, your friends WILL likely want to know that there is an alternative to paying exorbitant prices at the grocery store for saline-injected, color infused cow flesh of questionable origin.

You should go right ahead and send them an e-mail, alerting them to special chance they have to fill up on free-range, grain fed bovine that is completely hormone and antibiotic free. They will undoubtedly thank you for the tip. They also don’t care to see farmers struggle.

But all this good intention and progressive purchasing will spiral into a vortex of flame if your significant other — the one who said: "... Yeah ... not too keen on adding THAT much red meat to our diets..." when you wanted to buy the same freezer and fill it with a half a cow last winter — is initially notified of your NEW grand plan as a "CC'd" recipient of the same missive that went out to your entire electronic address book.

That is all.

Oh ... except we do have another concern here at PLUM.

When asking for a favor, it's always advisable to remember not to pretend you are Tom Sawyer. No matter how fun you tell them painting a fence will be, it's still a lot of work.

Your significant other is not really all too keen on having to take out the trash or pave the driveway or do the dishes on their night off. It's probably wise to ask in a way that doesn’t sound like YOU are doing THEM a favor for letting them help you out.

I do not WANT to help you clean out the cruddy, gunky buildup that's congealed in the crevices of your car’s cup holders during the last two years while you’ve driven over country roads without the lids on your travel mug. ... But I will if you ask me nicely and don’t disappear to play video games on your iPod while I toil.

That is all.

Except. Oh, there are some other items that should be on your radar as the spouse of a member of PLUM: Sponges should be wrung after use; dirty clothes should be put in hampers; shoes should be left at doorways; and dishes may be put INTO the dishwasher at any time after the contents have disappeared into your digestive system.

We know you are trying though. And that is why the People for Less Unrest in Marriage would also like to thank you for taking out the recycling. The garbage and recycling people, however, are writing to the People Against Procrastination — another hard working but entirely imaginary organization, of which I am only a part time member — to get you to do it more often.

1 comment:

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Can I be a member of PLUM? I'm sure I could add to the suggestions!