A life not imagined is a life unexamined

- Cloud #7


There are whole conversations I can’t have with people because our experiences are so far from shared that the light from shared would take 18 million years to get to us.
I mean, how many adults out there — during their dark and single days — just picked a person (real or imagined) and made a boyfriend or girlfriend out of them?

I’m not talking about flirting with strangers in the hopes of developing a relationship, nor am I describing outright stalking. I’m talking about “dating” a person without letting him or her know about it because it’s just EASIER that way.
I’m fairly certain that my hand would be the only freak flag flying were that question to be asked.

At the time, it just seemed to be the perfect way to have a relationship that was doomed to fail anyway. There are no fights, no misinterpretations and no decisions about which movie to see. And when it’s over there are no messy breakups or bad feelings, it’s just over.

Think of all the sadness that could be averted if we just THOUGHT about dating the transitional guy instead of ACTUALLY dating him. I suppose I’ve been looking for the easiest road to travel since I discovered life doesn’t come with a map. In my case, however, the easiest road is the one not traveled because it really doesn’t exist.

Careers are my latest flight of fancy. I’ve even developed a list of the 10 jobs (with no foreseeable future) I’d rather have.

For example, topping the list a few years ago was Cow Placement Expert.
“You know how cows look on a hillside as they graze and cavort?” I once tried to explain. “That would be my doing.”

I had to reassess my qualifications for that particular occupation as I was driving to work one day and saw a bovine herd loping up the hill after a tractor that was dragging hay.

“OK … A cow placement expert is really a farmer.”

Since then, my favorite field of expertise is in the area of color arbitration. I would be the definitive source on all matters concerning that age-old question: What color is this?

Need to know whether the jacket you’re about to purchase is navy or black? I will tell you. Is that hat fuchsia or peony? I will know the answer. Of course all decisions are final … there is no appealing the judge’s decision.

My real-life husband is among the plethora of people in need of this service.
A few years ago he bought a truck and called me at work, brimming with excitement, wanting to describe it to me. Since I have no understanding of technical aspects of mechanics the only part of the description I could remember was: “It’s green.”
When I got home and looked for this new green truck in the driveway I was somewhat flummoxed to find a big orange vehicle in its place.

“Hey, I thought you said the truck was green?”

“It is green … see there on the trim and the letting on the door?”
You may laugh, but it’s this type of color misunderstanding that can lead otherwise happy couples to have untimely breakups.

Remember my not-so imaginary friend? I saw him coming out of a health club dressed head to toe in purple Spandex one day and the magic was over.

“That’s it,” I said aloud as a co-worker looked over at me a little perplexed at the sudden outburst. “We’re breaking up.”