The quick fix

The doorknob clunks to the floor for the zillionth time. I can hear it roll the entire length of the teenager’s uneven room.

An exasperated gush of air claws its way through her larynx as she announces her displeasure.

“Stupid door! When are you going to fix it?”

Old houses. Don’t let anyone tell you their ghosts aren’t real. The true specter of their terror, however, is untold trips to hardware stores as one repair leads to an indefinite number of others.

I smile. I know what her father’s answer will be: he’s scheduled all minor household repairs for somewhere between finishing the window trim and gutting the kitchen. Quite possibly between 8 a.m. and 4 p.m. on the next Tuesday in Never.

You are, of course, always free to attempt the repair yourself.

Which is not bad advice for two reasons: the first being that thing that inevitably happens when menfolk see their gender counterparts rifling through a toolbox, looking for a screwdriver. They find the seventeen hours they need for the job and take over. In no time at all that wonky thing that’s been plaguing your dreams for the last fortnight will get fixed.

Or ...

Through trial and error, you learn that tightening the whosamawhatsits with the dinkus isn’t nearly as complicated as you thought it might be.

For all other things there is YouTube.

Which is where I find myself often, just scrolling around, trying to solve the mysteries of life:

Q: Will mulch attract ticks? A: Maybe not the mulch itself, but the warm, moist environment it maintains might.

Q: How can I sharpen these fabric scissors my kids used on paper? A: fold a piece of tin foil eight times and cut through it eight times at a 15-degree angle. You will be amazed.

Q: How do you stop a dog from jumping? A: Don’t pay her any attention until she’s keeping her four feet on the floor. Stop looking for quick fixes.

Q: What’s school serving for lunch on Thursday, May 10th? A: Grilled cheese, tomato or chicken noodle soup and broccoli. Go pack them lunch, you lazy bones.

Q: Why does the expensive cordless vacuum cleaner I bought pulse and stop working when I just cleaned out the canisters and, there don’t appear to be any other blockages?

At which point, some smiling YouTube dad, sent me on what seemed like a 12-month odyssey wherein he would explain the intricacies involved in remedying this high-end suction failure but assuring me the problem could be fixed in 30 seconds!

Thirty. Seconds!

He began this 12-minute journey by explaining in detail the trouble I had already experienced. He even went to the effort of recreating the sound the machine was making through the magic of ventriloquism.

Er-errrr-Er-errrr ... Er-errrr-Er-errrr ... Er-errrr-Er-errrr ... Er-errrr-Er-errrr!

Oh, he was good. I barely saw his lips move.

But for the love of Pete, get to the point. What’s the problem with this dumb vacuum cleaner?

“See this bit here? It is a filter. Now, it may not look like it’s clogged but you will see rivers of mud flow through the thing once you hold it under the tap and give it a good wring out.

"Afterward all you need to do is just let it dry for 24 hours, and you’ll be good to go.”

Wait a minute?

Did he just say rinse the filter and let it dry for 24 hours? How is that a 30-second fix?

At least we have an extra few hours to fix the doorknob.