Dorm and Function

 She picked up the pearlescent orb, tapped its top twice, and raised the thing level to her ear. She cocked her head as if listening for ocean waves or some other magical sound that would prove revelatory. 

A shadow of disappointment hovered momentarily over her face. Nothing. Not even a burp.

She put it back.

“Pleased be advised, our store will be closing in fifteen minutes. Please bring your purchases to the register.”

Some take in the beaches or hike trails. Other adventurous souls find bliss on a paddle board or just taking in the sights only locals get to see when they visit a seaside town. 

We pace the aisles of the Vacationland Target and fill our cart with back-to-school supplies.

It seems odd, yes. But graduating high school has only increased the tension of this particular tourist attraction of ours: After all, how could she know which food-storage receptacle (for dining hall doggie bags) made sense for dorm life since not a single “WHAT YOU ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NEED FOR DORM LIFE!!” listicle has ever mentioned one?

The look my face was making had to have been in perfect Momglish, because I hadn't said a word before she translated and explained how I was so wrong to criticize.

“Mom … sometimes you just won't have time to eat in the dining hall, and you need something that goes from the mini fridge to the microwave seamlessly.”

Her list was already stacked with crossed-off items.

A MATTRESS TOPPER? 

“That is A MUST! Quality sleep is so important.”

A CUDDLY BLANKET?

“Please see the mattress topper entry above.”

TWO sets of BED SHEETS?

“Sometimes you just don't have time to do laundry”

A DESK LAMP? 

“People find them soothing and helpful since the rooms only have overhead lights.”

A piece of wood attached to a pillow? 

“That is a LAP DESK … and sometimes it is more comfortable to write while you're all warm and cuddly in bed with your fuzzy blanket and lap desk.”

A COLLAPSIBLE LAUNDRY HAMPER?

“What is so strange about that?”

“I don't know … your sheets sets came with four pillowcases ...you could totally use one of those.”

“Oh … I get it, I said, thumbing through the half-filled cart: This is the “I worked through two summers and have excess cash to burn on LED TWINKLE LIGHTS and PHOTO PRINTERS and cute, color-coordinated STACKABLE BASKETS portion of the exercise.”

And just at that moment …. I translated the “Tweedult” written all over her face and realized I was entirely out of my depths.

“Well, as frivolous as it sounds, these little excesses can entirely be extended to my roommates … perfect strangers, you might remember, who will have to share their personal space with little-old-me. And making sure that I store my stuff as efficiently (and pleasantly) as possible might just keep me from having to be in solitary confinement at twice the price of living sociably.

“And from your stunned silence can I infer that you think my shower shoes are nothing short of adorable and that you realize all the money I'll save you in podiatry visits.”

Of course … she was right. But how could I let her get the last word

“Just as long as they are non-slip. I see your foot fungus but make sure those shoes don't raise you a trip to the orthopedist.”