“All of our associates are helping other customers. Your call is important to us. Please remain on the line and an agent will be with you as soon as one becomes available. …”
Minutes tick by as music plays on a loop.
My heartbeat spikes when the tune is suddenly interrupted … Finally …
“All of our associates are helping other customers. Your call is important to us. Please remain on the line and an agent will be with you when one becomes available. If you would like a call-back, press 1 to leave your phone number. You will not lose your place in line.”
I won't take the offer. I don't believe they will ever call me back.
Why should they? I am not calling to wish them good fortune. I am calling to try and fix a problem … or cancel a subscription … or figure out whether this official-looking letter seeking payment is a scam … or worse … a scam that is imperfectly legit, just deceptive.
This never feels good.
I hate myself a little more as I hang on the line.
No matter what I do, I am THAT WOMAN.
The one who is not satisfied. The one who may never be satisfied with the answer you give her.
The woman who makes them mute the phone while they get the attention of the person in the next cubicle for a laugh while they exchange rude gestures.
The one who has become a meme:
“Karen wants to speak to the manager.”
I try to keep the irritation from my voice.
I know their job is thankless.
I know they don't make the rules.
But I just wanted to cancel my membership.
“I know your script says that you can't CANCEL my account because it has become INACTIVE. But why must I provide a VALID CREDIT CARD NUMBER to reactivate the account so that you can CANCEL it? Why can't you cancel inactive accounts?”
“But it is unnecessary. It won't charge your card.”
It IS necessary, because it keeps prompting me to provide a new card, so you are telling me to have it stop prompting me to provide a new card on the first of every month, I have to provide a new card and then cancel the account. Does that make sense to you?
“I'm sorry ...
“It's been a long day of misunderstandings …
“Someone keeps screwing up their user name and locking me out of my bank account …
“I have already waded through eight spammy phone calls and sussed out four legitimate scams, and it isn't even noon.
“Tomorrow I'll have to go to the gym, the owners of which are demanding in-person appearances despite the two-year-old law requiring they offer online cancellation.
“But now, I just want this one thing to end. I don't understand why it has to be this difficult?”
There was silence on the line.
“I'm sorry. I know I'm the one making it hard.”
I hung up the phone. Not with a slam or an expletive, just with the uncomfortable knowledge that I have no idea how things work.
Then, like an answered prayer, an email arrived:
“We are sorry to see you go … ”
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